i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i may or may not be watching the land before time
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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