is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
