A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
