just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
