i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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