Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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