the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
