I can text with my tongue
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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