Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
