why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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