went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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