Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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