you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
