EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
