as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
