Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
