If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
