if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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