How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
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