Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
