Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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