I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
