Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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