I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
