Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I smell like Dick and happiness
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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