Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
