I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
