I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
