Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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