OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
