If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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