They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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