after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
