remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
