i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
