How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
