I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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