The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
