You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
