My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
