I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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