next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
