No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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