I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
