Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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