No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Houston, we have a squirter
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
