Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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