My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
