While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
