Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
