I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
